I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
