I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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