I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
