The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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