I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
