just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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