Can i not drive my cunt home
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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