I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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