to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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