you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
