Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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