On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
