Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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