i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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