She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Found the puke drawer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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