My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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