im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
