dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
