listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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