he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
