I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
