He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
