So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
