Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
