The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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