I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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