I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
