I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
