If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
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