she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
did you just send me my own nude
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
