i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
