he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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