opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
