Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
