Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
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It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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