Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
