You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
