Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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