Your mouth is God's brothel.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
