great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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