I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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