Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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