I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
