Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
