Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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