I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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