matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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