1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
