my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
