Swine flu. Run for my life!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
