Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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