He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
