You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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