If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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