Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
